Stupid Girl (?)

im really pissed at my friend cameron. not that he did anything really, its mainly the whole situation and his role in it. we're basically supposed to be best friends and i feel like we're not friends anymore. sometimes, i feel like im acting like a stupid girl. see cameron and i already have a rocky relationship. we've been friends since kindergarten, but people have always said we would or should be more. we have both admitted that there were times when we each wondered about the possibility of more, but we never pursued anythings. admittedly, in the last few years, we sometimes act like a dating couple. and we certainly bicker like an old married couple. we even play off the joke of us dating, saying that our "honeymoon period" is over and we are now entering a divorce in which his alimony to me is rides home-which he did everyday before i moved to fife. anyways, these days i feel as if our friendship is slanted. before i get into that let me tell you this (sorry this blog is so jumpy) : first off, we were both virgins, and had discussed it comfortably in the past. then, several months ago, he mentions in passing something about him having had sex, but i was having a bad and off day so i thought i misheard him. then he mentioned it again in conversation in a crowd of people. when i talked to him about it i found out that he had lost his virginity last spring to a friend of his. and he hadnt told me. he says he thought i knew, but how would i know if he didnt tell me. well this all bothered me, since he hadnt told me despite having been friends for 12 years!!

then, a friend mentioned that he was smoking (cigs and weed). she didnt realize that cameron had told me that he quit a while ago and that i wasnt supposed to know that he was still doing it. therefore he blatantly lied to me. i kinda wonder if he lied to me, because he didnt want to "disappoint" me. though i dont particulary like that he is smoking, i would completely perfer that he doesnt lie to me about it (i dnt expect him to tell me everytime he does, but to blantantly lie when we are talking about it...). i really dont judge him for it, i just dont like it for myself. just dont lie.

these days, its smaller things, such as he never calls me. this wouldnt be a problem except that he calls clairrissa, a mutual friend of ours. he'll text her to tell her things, like when he decided to quit his job and that he got his new phone or whatever. or the times hes called me by his ex-girlfriends name (who cheated on him (partially because he wouldnt sleep with her) with his best guy friend, and they are now engaged and cameron is supposed to be their best man)(me getting back on track)

i feel like he doesnt care about me. not that he wouldnt be sad if anything happened to me or something, but that he doesnt even care to think about me anymore. im not important in his life anymore, that im a different era that he is trying to cut off. im not exaggerating when i say that im always an afterthought to him. i cannot remember the last time he asked me how i was or what i did for the weekend, or anything as simple as that, especially considering what ive been going through. btw, i ask him about his life all the time.
i wrote him a long letter for his birthday back in october, expressing my fears about us not being able to stay friends after high school considering the fact that we never communicate in any way outside of school. the only thing he said about it was he read it. now, cameron is not some jerk-off guy. he is a really great guy actually (though he does have a vicious temper:) ).

i dont know. sometimes i feel like im just being a stupid girl about it all. i dont know if i should say anything, considering he is aware that im annoyed about some of the things. well, and we never really have the opportunity to talk, whether it be bad timing or not enough time.

when i sit and think about it all, im not sure if hes detaching from me intentionally or not. like maybe he is concerned that i want more and he doesnt, or maybe he wants more but doesnt want to show it, or he has just outgrown our friendship, or he doesnt even realize hes doing it. idk.

Make sure you also check out "Under the Knife." I posted 2 blogs in a row tonight.

Stupid Girl - P!nk