two worlds collide

So i should be preparing for my midterms, but well, im not. :P lol

that was a really good song!!! i love discovering new music!

So yea, about the pot thing. like i said im not judging you. its not like i think your a pothead head like my brother eric - and even if you were, you dont have to justify yourself to me, cuz i love you no matter what. no i wasnt really all that upset about it and i definately wasnt mad at you, it just got me thinking - not a bad thing ;P.

so as for kari blogging - it hasnt all been bad. ive kinda enjoyed reading her blogs but your right, im not completely comfortable having her read mine. i did ask her to not read my blogs for awhile and she said she wouldnt, but who knows.

so i found out today that cameron got into NMU, which i was really interested in but had switched my focus from recently for various reasons. he really wants to go and though hes not pressuring me to go, he really wants me too. and i still am interested in NMU but i just dont know what i want in a college and i guess it also depends on financing. i cant go if its not mostly if not completely paid for.

also, i really really really really wish i could move to georgia and go to college, but i dont think its very tangible because they charge approx. 3x tuition for out-of-state students. and i really dont think its a good idea for me to take a year off. it also doesnt fit into my "plan" to take a year off, though honestly i wouldnt be heartbroken to put off school for a year.
i dont know. its all very confusing and frustrating.

in other news, i am now in "the system" as homeless. not exactly a bad thing. im surprisingly updeat considering. it may actually help me, because i may be able to file the FAFSA as an independant and it will probably give me more aid - but we'll see.

my mom is being pretty awesome and ive talked to her several times in the last few days. thats good. some interesting things are going on at my parents house but im not going to get into that. but things are good with mom, and she has been helping me in various ways, mostly giving me advice.

i spend alot of my free time trying to work through the various relationships i have with people, and trying to figure out how to express myself to them. i may need some help from you working through that. :)

i love you so much!!!!!!!

P.S. Today was a great day if only for Obama's Inauguration!! its awesome to live history!!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

demi lovato - two worlds collide

Pen & Paper

So as you know, Ive got a lot of shit going on in my life. most of it is probably only in my head but no matter, i still need to work through it.
first off jt, let me start off with you. ive been keeping my distance from your - i guess more figuratively than literally since your always 1000 miles away. its nothing you did really. youve chosen to smoke pot, and apparently from your facebook and blog posts, its become an semi important part of your life. its not that im judging you or that i look down on you for it. ive just been thinking about it and guess i should explain why.
as you know my parents have smoked pot all my life and who knows how much longer. they also never tried to conceal that fact. i understand their logic in why they didnt hide and in some ways i agree and am glad.
i must say that my parents always put the family first. it wasnt like they were some junkie and all they lived for was pot - because for one, pot really isnt that kind of drug, and two, i know my parents put us above everything else.
pot did affect our lives in some ways though. for one, when we were completely broke and were out of pot, they were not always the happiest people to be around. also, though they'll never admit it, my parents have a certain kind of connection with my brothers that kari and i will never have. my mom and i are very close, even now, but its still frustrating. when they're smoking, kari and i dont really want to be around it. this cuts us out of lots of conversations. if we stay to be around the convos, we get "teased" about trying to get a contact buzz. alot of the time, we were just kicked out of the room, cutting us out of the conversation.
so when you first revealed that you were smoking regulary it kinda bothered me. then i remembered that your parents handled it differently and you see it differently. i dont know what turned kari away form drugs and to be honest, im not sure what exactly turned me away. ive just chosen not to do it and i was disappointed that you didnt. i hate to say that because it sounds like im looking down on you for it, which i am not. its not even that im completely surprised, i just had hoped we also had that thing in common. i want you to understand that i dont hate your for it or look down on you or anything like that. i just wanted to let you know that that was what was bothering me. and im really over it now and i could have resumed all normal contact with and not revealed it, but i wanted to let you know.

i was also slightly annoyed that you got kari into blogging. not for anything other than the fact that it gave her access to my blog. not that she couldnt have read it before then, but i dont think the idea would have crossed her mind had you not pushed her towards starting one. im not exactly thrilled that she has access to the place that i was mostly willing to reveal alot of myself.
kari and i are doing better though we need to work through some things definately. i understand that she has some issues with me, some of them grounded in fact, but mostly im frustrated with her because she doesnt see that their are 2 sides to every story and that all she ever does is play the victim. whatev, thats another rant for another time.

definately more later... tomorrow if not later tonight. all of a sudden ive found a way to say what its in my mind. at least for now.

Pen & Paper - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Down The Road

As Always

i am defensive
You are unintrusive
i am screaming
You are deaf
i am fighting
You are playing
i am waiting
You are busy
i am here
You are somewhere
i am hurting
You are unaware
...
We Are As Always

Down The Road - Plain White T's

Breakdown

Obviously I havent written in awhile. Its not because I dont have anything to say - actually, i probably have too much to say. its not because i dont have the time to write - i seem to have more free time than i know what to do with. its more likely that i dont know where to start or how to say what i need too. and that my feelings are so raw - mostly things that no one wants to hear. basically it comes down to this: im really fucked up.

stay tuned

Breakdown - Plain White T's